How Do You Know?

I'm still processing everything that's happened over the past 18 months, and probably will always have it churning in the back of my mind. It's the curse of being a problem solver, I'm afraid.
I'll never stop wondering if I could have done things differently, if there was something crucial that I missed. This doesn't mean I'm not moving on with my life.

I've dated.
I've done some online dating over the past 18 months, and met some nice, interesting people. I've also met quite a few (and heard stories) that explain the age old question, "Why are you single?" With some people, it's pretty obvious right away. Sadly, those are the people who will seldom take the credit/blame for their own state. Their target partner is too choosy, too focused on xyz or, by favorite, doesn't know what they really need.

I've traveled.
In the past 18 months I've been to Boston, MA, Vancouver, BC, Edinburgh, London and Paris.
I always feel a fresh sense of self when I travel, especially to a new place, and hope to do a lot more.

I've created.
This is a big one. I've been a creative a person all my life. I can't remember a time when I didn't make things. Cars for my Barbies out of shoes boxes and trim reels from the fabric store, clothes for dolls and pets, sock puppets and cardboard houses for the kids I babysat. Up until about 6 months, I wasn't do much creating. I was too much on edge, anxious, mostly from being in a "relationship" that had me constantly wondering where I stood and feeling like the other woman (looooong story there).
Then I met someone who left no doubt whatsoever where he stood and what I mean to him. I don't believe in fairy tales or happily ever after, but I do believe in being completely honest and direct about what you want, what you can handle and what you are willing to give.
When I was able to get back into my studio and create, completely immerse myself in what I was working on, I knew things has shifted dramatically. It has so much to do with the person I'm in a relationship, but equally to do with the person I am NOT in a relationship with. Meaning, being with the right person is wonderful. Being alone is still far better than being with the wrong person.

I've loved.
I've grown closer to my friends, who have been fantastic and more supportive than I could even have hoped for.
I've loved people who didn't deserve it, and learned that whether someone is ready to hear it, I must tell them how I feel. I will never again wait to say those words in fear that I won't hear them back. Love is not something to offer as a trade. You have to give it freely, when you feel it. If the recipient can't handle hearing it, you need to move on. Don't waste your time with anyone who isn't ready or able to be loved by you.
Only animal people will understand this, but I've fallen so deeply in love with my dog. Gabby is a special soul and I know I'd have gone off the deep end by now if I didn't have her for a constant companion. She makes me laugh and feel loved every day.
I love myself more. My days of skinny are long over, and I'm squishier than I'd like to be, but I have more confidence now that I ever did when I had trouble finding jeans small enough to fit me (I know, I hate my younger self for that, too).
I have finally learned that old lesson that confidence, kindness and sincerity are more attractive than good looks.

I hope my adventures are entertaining and inspiring to someone.
Juliette

the long process of purging

When I was younger, I wrote in a journal daily. It was how I dealt with every curve life threw at me.
I stopped writing about 7 or 8 years ago,  for so many reasons, but mostly because I wasn't ready to do anything about what I discovered.
I started writing again about a year ago. I've done some off and on, sometimes by hand like the "old days", but more often electronically as thoughts popped in my head. I'd thought I'd share some in case my feelings and words might help someone else with whatever they are going through.

I can’t hold onto to her anymore

I held her for a moment in this big scheme of time
I never thought there’d be a moment when she wasn’t mine

she’s a free spirit
she’s shed all her fears
held up her head
wiped away all the tears

she’s spread her wings
looking to the sky
she’s taken flight

all that’s left for me
is to kiss her goodbye

*********

I never believed I could fall so hard again

But here I am, feeling all the hurt

It reminds that I’m still alive

So thank you for this broken heart

I walked away from sorrow

The loneliness was the hardest part

I know now I do it on my own

So thank you for this broken heart

Now I’ve found my voice again

So I can sing

And I can soar again

Since I remembered I have wings

I feared I’d lost the way to love

With no idea on where to start

You helped me see that I still can

So thank you for this broken heart

Thank you, thank you, thank you
From the bottom of my broken heart

*********

His complete lack of bravery kept him from ever owning his own heart.

He followed the whims and will of others to avoid rejection and denial.

In the end, he lost out on true, great love and life itself. He passed his days in safety, monotony and unfulfilled dreams.

He was given an unwanted freedom for a moment

and was shown so many possibilities

for love with few constraints, adventure and risk

but in the end,

when his tether was tugged ever so slightly

he return to the unhappiness that was familiar

and was never disappointed.

**********

the next time we meet

you'll wonder if I know you

as I look through you

but my lips will be betray my expression

with one word

coward

***********

J

Cheers, London!

Sequined Chanel--too delicate to move

My last few days in London were a mixed of work and pleasure (though not mutually exclusive--I love my co-workers all around the world). On Tuesday and Thursday, I spent the morning with my good friend, Rachel Kurland at the Victoria & Albert Cothworkers' Centre. We view a few garments both times, with the help of curators of the collection. I'm so thankful for Rachel for setting up these appointments and selecting fabulous garment.

A few of the gowns were far too delicate to be moved, but we were still able to view them in their storage drawers.

One of the garments we looked at was a printed cotton gown from the late 1700's. It had no method of closure, so was either pinned or sewn closed. The dress had very little wear and was remarkably vibrant for its age.

Back bodice of a 1700's cotton gown.

The dress that fascinated us the most by far was a persimmon colored Vionnet gown. All her work was like a puzzle, but this was one of the more complicated ones. Unusual seams and gussets. We spent a long time looking at the front, figuring out grainline, seaming and shape, and then when the curator opened the gown to show the inside we both exclaimed, "OHHHHH!!!"

An inside view of a Vionnet.

A view from the groundlings area of Shakespeare's Globe

Tuesday night I met up with Rachel and her husband, David to see Romeo & Juliet at the Globe. It was an edgy, modern interpretation and highly controversial, but I loved it. Especially since we were right at the stage. The death scene played out less than 10 feet from us.

When Rachel and I went back on Thursday morning, there were a few other people looking at garments, most were PhD students. We spoke with one woman at length who is studying the shift starting in the 1600s from dressmaking being almost exclusively male to female. She was studying a gown very similar to one we were looking at, but which hadn't been changed so dramatically (if at all) later.

It turned out she and Rachel knew some NYC theater costume people in common.

Detail on a Calliot Soeurs dress--another gown too delicate to be moved

Embroidery on a velvet half-mourning gown

A hand-painted silk gown from late 1700's that has been altered for fancy dress

Catching up, slowing down

Today was my first day on my own again. I had a very cool lady from work come stay with me in Paris and travel with me to London. It was her first trip to this part of the world, and she ventured on her own in both cities. I wasn't anywhere near that brave the first time I came her, so I'm impressed. I also got to know her better and like her even more now.

I got a late start today, which was fine since it was Sunday and most things didn't open until 11 or noon anyway. I decided to look for some more obscure places today.

It was a beautiful day, so lots of families were at the park.

My first stop was Shepherd Market--a small hidden set of streets close to Green Park.
Most of the business were closed, but it was a cool little area and I got a great lunch at "The Little Square". A great Italian restaurant. The family at the table next to me chatted in Italian the entire time.

Entrance to Shepherd Market

A house near Carlyle House

From Green Park I headed southwest to visit Carlyle's House, the home of a Scottish writer who was famous in his day and influential to other authors including Charles Dickens and George Eliot.
It was a long walk from the closest tube station, but it was a nice day and beautiful area of London (Chelsea).

The stairs--4 floors!

Possibly the most unassuming museum ever

Carlyle House garden

another house near Carlyle House

 My last destination was Woburn Walk, a Victorian shop street. I'm glad I saved this for last--it was close to the flat and not worth a long trip or walk. Only one shop was open, and it was a convenience store. It was a pretty street in any case.

I'll be in the London office tomorrow, so no posts unless something really interesting happens.

Things are going to get a little boring

sorry, but I didn't do much today and tomorrow I'm headed to the Paris office, so I won't be posting as much for the next few days.

The secret door (I thought it was a closet)

I got some fabric shopping down and picked up some treats for friends and co-workers.

The only photos (other than food photos--with my phone) I took today are of the cool little passage I had to go through to dump the trash.

I was able to catch up with emails and chats today, too.

The basement

The door to the back alley

Easter Sunday in Paris

There wasn't a lot I could or wanted to do today, which is good, because someone was playing horrible, loud music into the early hours and I didn't get much sleep.

Veggie seller at Marche Bastille. yes, those are mushrooms in that basket

Fish seller at Marche Bastille

I did, however, make it to the Bastille Market and pick up something for dinner. It's mostly a fresh food market with seafood, produce, baked goods, cheese, meat, game, poultry, dried fruits and nuts, olives and some prepared food. There are a few booths with clothes, purses, scarves, etc. I love seeing the long rows of fresh food.

I found a few tasty things at the market.

I came back, hung out at the apartment, enjoying the sounds of the bells from Notre Dame. Around 2:30 I decide to venture out since the sun had made an appearance and I needed to find somewhere to buy coffee.

Kids playing with sailboats in the garden pond

I got a late lunch in the Luxembourg Gardens, one of my favorites to visit on a Sunday to watch the children play. I didn't stay long, though, because about 3/4 of the way through my lunch, it got cold.

Pony rides!!

I did find an open shop on my way back--an M&S food shop, which is a British company. So here I am, in Paris, drinking Scottish spring water. I also picked up a bottle of St. Emilion for 8 euros.

Dinner in the flat.

Le Samedi a Paris

I got a later start than I had planned, but it was fine. I saw what I wanted to, and even got a little shopping in. The only problem is I forgot to pick up a few things at the market, and everything will probably be closed tomorrow. I'm hoping I can get some things at the Bastille Market, assuming it is
still on tomorrow.

I pass this market on my way to the metro...

This reminded me of buildings in Boston
but this is file, not copper.

I started off heading to an exhibit I just found out about--Balenciaga's Black Dresses at Musee Bourdelle. It was in the 15th and should have been easy to get to, but the metro line closest to the flat was not stopping at the station closest to the museum, and I ended up walking quite a ways.
I was disappointed in the exhibit. It was nicely done, but very small--2 cases with toiles laid out and another one or two on forms, and 4 or 5 complete garments. The ticket was 10 euros. Thankfully, the book I bought has photos of quite a few garments as well as sketches.

Candle holder, Musee Cognacq Jay

fireplace in Musee Cognacq Jay

A bed fit for a queen, Musee Cognacq Jay

Next I headed to the other side of the river (I was on the left bank), to Musee Cognacq Jay. I'd wanted to visit when I was last here two years ago, but it was closed for renovations.





This was a house museum, which I really like, especially when most of the original decor is in place.

I got a prix fixe lunch not far from Cognacq Jay. Roast lamb shoulder with rosemary and apple tart for dessert. Very tasty.

Really cool, really old watches, Petit Palais

Yes, I've got a thing for stairs (Petit Palais)

My next stop was another place I've been wanting to visit but never got around to it before: Le Petit Palais. The little place. Um, yeah, I guess for a palace it's petit, but it's still a palace. Lots of nice works here, and quite a range: paintings, furniture, objects d'art, sculpture. And the
building is beautiful.

My view for the concert

I headed back to the flat to put my feet up for a bit and drop off the huge book I bought at the Balenciaga exhibit.

After some shopping, I had a light snack at the apartment, then headed to a concert in one of the most stunning chapels I've ever seen: St. Chapelle. It's small, but mostly stained glass.

Notre Dame de Paris. Even prettier at night.

On my way back I found the one restaurant still open (really? 9:30 in Paris? that's what I get for staying in a primarily tourist area). Some apple sorbet and a pear brandy, and I was ready to turn in for the night.